You know how there are life events so big that you divide life into “before” and “after”?
One of the joys of Blogjune is insight into how other people live and think. I really appreciate the careful storytelling this year, where people like Fiona, Sean, Graeme, Cath and Hana have been sharing their journeys with ongoing health issues and the impact of big life changes and taking on a caring role.
Their posting confirms for me that I am now living in “after” time…. and I am very grateful that they had the wherewithal to share with such generosity, to help me treasure the quiet wonderfulness of my everyday, right now.
But it also reminds me that most, or all, of us are probably living in “before” time as well, so it is worth loving every minute of it and joyfully appreciating it.
I spent several years where every day I knew that the ONLY thing that would help me heal and cope with where I was now…was time.
I knew I was overwhelmed and hurting and had to just do the best I could, in circumstances I did not choose, nor want, nor really understand well. As years passed, my life would heal and grow around the scars from what was happening now, even if it would not be the life I planned.
Several times a day I repeated “this too shall pass, this too shall pass”. Sometimes my aim was to get through the next minute, then the next one, then the next … I could cope if I only had to keep it together for the next 60 seconds, hour, half a day….
One day this would be behind me and fading, loss no longer so gaping. I would be able to make future plans without waking every day wondering what fires would need fighting today, and whether I had resources to rise to it. Where I would no longer be running in ever decreasing circles trying to do what I could, with energy I did not know I possessed, to make things better. To wait for this doctor or that specialist to tell me barely-understood numbers. To try to keep people I loved safe. To make decisions about matters I did not feel qualified to make, that I did not want to have to face.
Nowadays, I can have several very uneventful days in a row and feel utterly grateful that … NOTHING HAPPENED. I can make plans and have goals other than sleep, shower, be there for the kids, perform at work. This feels miraculous and something I should rejoice in daily.
The way I look at my everyday life has changed for the better. In most circumstances, that could be upsetting to most people, I can now use the yardstick “Is this as bad as THEN?”. If it is not (and it never is), I can sail through it with ease and grace. I would, of course, probably rather not have the yardstick.. but it does infuse me with a sense of calm I simply did not possess before.
It also involves accepting that some things that I wanted, that everyone else seems to have and not appreciate, I will not have, ever. And understanding that what I see as mundane and sometimes annoying in my everyday life (like a kid leaving a wet towel on the chair in their bedroom), someone else may consider to be the height of desirability. And to not assume that, just because someone seems functional and is not talking about issues in their lives, they have capacity to do more than put one foot in front of the other.
I also am keenly aware of the temporariness of this everydayness. Of the utter arbitrariness of the good fortune to not be in crisis right now. Some days it drives me to a deserted beach to swim alone – and hang the risk of drowning by myself or sharks or my wobbly bits being visible in my swimsuit. Some days I stay in bed all day and read and snuggle with my cats – because I can, and nobody will be impacted if I do not get up and be there for them.